11. Mar, 2021

If You Want A Friend, Be A Friend ~ But How?

I’ve been asked hundreds of times over the course of my coaching career, “Why don’t I have more friends?”

It invariably transpires such questioners do not actively put themselves in situations where they can make new friends. Even when accepting an invitation for a get-together, they back away from any potential new friendships who are either too direct, too loud, too inquisitive, or too timid. 

Making Friends Takes Effort!

Most friendships are transient; such is life. But true friendships can last a lifetime when we learn to adapt to those who are different from us; when we make an able choice to accommodate behaviour, and motivation.

Where To Begin?

Those without real friends don’t go out of their way to meet people. They essentially pursue solo interests including spending too much time on Social Media. They consider clubs or hobby groups artificial. They don’t invite anyone out to the cinema or theatre, returning home immediately after the performance grabbing a bag of chips on the way. They don’t strive to engage shopkeepers/cashiers in small talk as they pay their bill. And, they don’t routinely say please or thank-you to everyone/anyone who offers some small service or common courtesy.

In short, they have no friends because they do not exhibit the motivation of someone who wants friendships.

Is Making Friends Always the Same Process?

The 18th-century Anglo-Irish Statesman Edmund Burke (1729-1797) said, "Manners are of more importance than laws.” Of course, common courtesy requires us to always pay attention to those around us; to watch what is being done, and listen to what is being said.

But each person also owns a predominant Primary Personalities (PP) that responds well to correct stimulus, and poorly to incorrect stimulus. Learning how to recognise and accommodate someone’s PP improves every potential new friendship ~ or you decide not to make a friend of that particluar individual. This is true in all situations at work, at home and at play.

If you recall from our previous BLOGs, each PP possesses a combination of Low/High Emotiveness AND Low/High Assertiveness. When one axis is placed upon the other, four quadrants are revealed, each representing one of the four PPs. From the prospective of making a new friend, you and I first need to observe someone’s Emotiveness meaning their perceived attempt to control their emotions when dealing with others.

Starting With Yourself!

If you consider yourself of low emotional display, and do not feel comfortable with someone of high emotional display, or vice-versa, guess what happens? Personality clash: no new friendship!

Of course, you could seek out those just like you, but here’s the rub; each of the four PPs is in a minority, meaning between 60-90% of the people you meet will not be just like you!


To explore this paper, or arrange your team workshop email info@uetp.co.uk

Complicated IS Easy! Simple IS Hard!